moments before i wrote this note i spent a lot of time on this site called findagrave.com i began looking for the graves of borden family. i was watching all the graves of all the other people in that cemetary. they don't know me, but i have read about their lives, i saw their family tree, i saw the dates of birth and death on their head stones. i imagined the life they once lived when they were alive in that borden house at fall river. andrew and durfee, they never saw their death coming, lizzie would've carried her lies and guilt to the grave, she never married.
people might think its pointless and a waste of time, but for me its interesting. cemeteries are no less than museums. they carry the remains of what once had life in them, each with unique stories of their lives.
remembered my uncle. he died last year in august. i regret not spending time with him. i will never forget the last conversation we had.
"why don't you call me and ask how i am? aman, you know i am in bad health right?" that was a bit awkward to hear at that time.
but after his death, it not only makes me regret and sad but also brings me shame.
i swear i am not trying to be dramatic but i did not felt anything when he died. i couldnt cry. i tried but i couldnt cry, i felt like i was the reason of his death. all his friends and relatives gathered around, and all their eyes were upon our family while they cried, and i just stood still. i felt very ashamed. and yes, i entered that house while someone called me saying 'yeah come come, when he was alive you didnt care, now see him dead atleast'
no more.
knowing one day me too, will stop breathing. i wonder who would carry me, where will i be buried, will i be murdered or will i die of a disease. thinking of it keeps me humble.
ending this with mixed feelings
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may be its the affect of things ive been thinking about this morning. when i went out for a walk at the park, i noticed a few elderly couple walking along together. When i saw them my mind went "oh they mustv've experienced a lot things while i wasnt wasn't even born yet"
I also saw some couples with their newly born babies and kids, got me thinking "these niggas would most likely live out 2100"
i had no interactions outside with anyone today.